Hope Rising - Grab It!

Parenting is an emotional ride, and foster parenting is parenting on a roller coaster in fast forward - twice the speed, and the highs and drops are twice as high and twice as low. When you are weary in parenting, you need to find something to hang on to, like a bible verse, a line of encouragement, a song, or a movie quote. Hope can rise from anywhere. We have to grab it. 

A snippet of hope I grabbed onto and wrote at the top of my planner recently was,

“Validate where they are at.” 

I asked a therapist if I should start helping one of my older foster children understand reality by letting her know of visits before they happen, so she is aware of how often her mom misses them. The blessing of parent visits over zoom during COVID was that the children didn’t have to sit in a room at child services waiting for a parent who didn’t show up 90% of the time for weekly visits. To make life more stable for younger kids, I only tell them, “You’re mom’s on zoom!” when she showed up instead of having them wait for her and not have her show. Now we are back to in-person visits. Ultimately, the counselor suggested that I ask this foster daughter if she wants to know ahead of time about visits even if her mom doesn’t show up. Like many foster children, love and attachment to her parents seem to have trapped her in a fairytale version of reality. 

As foster parents, it is hard to witness children deceived by their hopes. More than one foster parent has told me their older foster child is delusional.

A therapist explained to me recently that this fantasy thinking is a preservation and survival strategy. “Validate where they are at,” she advised. “You miss your mom. You love her. You miss being with your siblings. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to be angry.” if a parent doesn’t show up to a visit and they are crushed. Reflect on what you see.

We should also help children become aware of what they feel since they often have shut down their feelings or have feelings that don’t always coordinate appropriately for the situations at hand. 

I shared the counselors’ line, “Validate where they are at,” with a foster parent who has a delusional teen. She thought for a second before replying, “That applies to any healthy relationships.” 

Encourage one another and build each other up.

1 Thessalonians 5:11