Your Thoughts Deceive You

“Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered.” - Proverbs 28:26

Have you ever wished you had never heard something?

Someone else's words that echo back to haunt you as they try to become your truth? 

The echo that I fight in my mind lately is from a foster, adoptive father.

"Everything was going so well with our foster children until their siblings moved in," I remember him saying...

Family is important. At the beginning of November, we had had our foster children's' siblings spend the night and meet for playdates for over nine months. The last couple of times they came over to visit, it became obvious that they were depressed. It was like they weren't home emotionally - even their smiles seemed sad. They had become so serious. Their GAL (attorney) and I were worried about them. 

My husband and I began praying about whether we should have our foster children's older siblings move in. This was a big decision for us because the thought of having ten kids was scary, and we knew that the goal of their case would be changing to termination soon and that it is likely that they will need to be adopted. We have known, for a while, that if the three younger siblings (who have lived with us for over a year) need an adoptive home, we will say, "Yes." 

After a decisive turn of events, we knew we needed to have the three older kids move in, so they did. 

We are adjusting to our foster children's older siblings in the house. All our kids get along very well. However, having four of our foster children with significant academic needs is challenging. Adjusting to the changing times of appointments for visits, medical appointments, seven separate hours of weekly counseling sessions, and extracurricular activities raises my anxiety and lowers my self-esteem as a mom. This is in addition to helping all nine kids do school at home because of COVID. It was dizzying. In the beginning, we missed quite a few appointments.

Two of the older children's counselors were glad the kids moved to a "trauma-sensitive" home, where we view children's needs through the eyes of, "What happened to you to make you _______." Fill in the behavior: shut down in the middle of having fun, angry, or distrust everyone. Someone who isn't looking at a child with their trauma in mind might label children by their behavior. 

"He's so stubborn! I can't make him do his school work." 

"She's so deceptive. Her half-truths are lies. I can't trust her." 

We don't ignore these behaviors. They are still difficult to deal with, but our perspective that they are acting the way they do for a reason makes it easier to work through without taking it personally. We talk about how negative behaviors hinder trust.

The truth is, when biological children have struggles, we already have an attachment to them that helps us through the process. When someone else's child moves in, it usually takes time for an attachment to grow. When a young teen says, "No. I'm not going to," and you can't make her, that makes it hard to attach to a child. 

I really wish I could delete the foster dad's comment that runs through my mind in challenging moments. 

"Everything was going so well with our foster children until their other siblings moved in later." 

Because I don't stop with his comment, I add my own negative thoughts.

We don't have to do this. This child could move in with other siblings that are not in our home. I don't have to deal with this! All the logistics of just having this many kids is enough pressure!

I have to bring myself back to the truth: This child gets along well with all the kids and is very agreeable 95% of the time or more. The moments when they refuse to do school work, refuse to be in a family picture, or refuse to take their turn helping make dinner like everyone else hits my hot button. Then, when this teen goes into a toddler-style pout, it raises my adrenaline. "You're too old to pout. If you're going to act like that, go to your room, so we don't have to watch you."

The other children are very guarded. They are slow to trust us because of the relationships they had with the caregivers in their lives. 

All of our trust is cautiously growing. After nights of sneaky behavior online and 3 am zoom calls, it is hard to reconcile how well everyone gets along during the day. 

On a daily basis, we do have a lot of fun together, and the kids love living with their siblings. Our bio kids and all our foster kids get along very well. Our house is full of good-natured teasing and laughter.

Last week, I had my first group counseling session with my kids, three counselors. They gave me some excellent advice. "No one is pressuring you to decide if you would adopt all of them right now. Let everyone adjust." I didn't realize until after I thought about the comment later that each negative interaction made me overreact in my mind thinking, I'm done. This counselor also noticed that my words were from a place of fear. She asked me to ask myself, Is this thought helpful?

When I explained the pressures, trust, safety concerns, and needs of our children, one counselor told me that we are doing an amazing job parenting. Her encouragement wasn't received or helpful. I might as well have responded, "Yea, whatever!" Though, I would never say that. 

The counselor continued, "This reminds me of something Obi-Wan Kenobi says, in Star Wars. 'Your thoughts deceive you.'" I wasn't sure what to make of that.

Then another counselor said, "I want you to ask yourself, 'What am I going to do for myself today?' This is not a hypothetical question. What are you doing to do for yourself today?" 

"I'm going to go to the gym because talking to all of you has raised my anxiety level." They were all happy to hear I was going to do something for me.

When I hung up, adrenaline was high, but I thought it was a good start at getting all the kids counselors on the same page with their complicated case. As the next couple of days passed, I could process and accept their encouragement and support.

We don't have to decide about adopting now. 

They gave me the freedom to just be and see how this plays out. The kids have had more serious talks with my husband and me about trust and behavior issues, and I have been able to take them in stride instead of reacting out of fear.

Truth breaks through my fear. Maybe my thoughts have been deceiving me.