Layers of Trust
“But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.”
~ John 14:26 NIV
Recently, I felt uncomfortable with the silent but firm resistance I felt from one of our foster daughters. She seems to be the last one in the family that is emotionally holding herself back from being comfortable in our home. She plays with her siblings and our children, and she is respectful to my husband and me, but there is an invisible wall that she holds firmly about her. She generally avoids making eye contact with me, and she is assertive about wanting to go home to her birth mom when the topic has come up.
As I was praying about helping her feel more comfortable in our home, I was reminded of a conversation about her sibling. This sibling had emotional meltdowns and standoffs about minor requests (to be in a picture, finish cutting two apples, come to dinner, etc.). When asked recently by one of their counselors how this sibling was doing, I realized that the meltdowns and angry standoffs are gone. I shared that this child is waking up early and asking to help me make breakfast. Previously, helping prep a meal caused angry refusal and a total shutdown.
The counselor responded with a knowing smile, “I bet it’s not about the cooking. She likes that one-on-one time with you.”
I was reminded of advice from a veteran teacher before my first day of teaching as a new teacher.
“Get to know the ones that have a reputation for being challenging. Spend the first weeks of school wooing them.”
I looked up “woo.” Synonyms include encourage, court, or pursue. This advice has helped me many times with students and challenging people at work too. When I am intentional about getting to know and acknowledge someone’s interests and strengths individually or in front of others, they become more open to me and I become more understanding of them. I have been able to establish respect that helps both of us through the challenges that arise. Everyone likes to be genuinely respected or liked.
I realized what I needed to do with our child that has been holding out on allowing herself to be comfortable in our home. I needed to be intentional about getting to know her.
When she asked to go to a salon, I took her. She had always wanted to go to a salon. I had previously avoided asking her to do jobs with me due to her aloof, sometimes iciness toward me. In her defense, she is also shy and quickly chooses chores with her siblings when given the opportunity. Last week, I asked her to help me make homemade rolls (which I hadn’t made in years). The rolls melted in our mouths, and I thanked her for helping. When we sent a couple of our fluffy rolls over to a neighbor, I was sure they knew our foster daughter helped make them.
I have become intentional about including this child in conversations by asking her opinion on little things. Her wall seems to have a window in it now, with shutters that open on occasion. I like what I can see - kindness and affection for her younger siblings, and she very direct when she wants to express herself. She also seems to have a hunger to grow spiritually. She has spent hours absorbed in reading her Bible. Recently, she has begun to make some eye contact with me when I’m talking. When I see her looking out at me, it would be an exaggeration to say I see openness. She is looking at me more without a brooding distrust, and I’ve seen a few smiles. That has to be a good sign, right?
Trust takes time.