Quick Guide for Adults and Kids on Empathy
Opportunities for Empathy Are Everywhere!
Notice the people around you and offer to carry something when you see someone struggling! Kids could start with something as simple as a bag of carrots. Empathy doesn’t have to be complicated.
As adults, we don't always know how to act or show empathy. However, when we understand empathy, we can model it for the kids in our lives. Could there be anything better to pass on in a world where loneliness and suicide among adults and kids are growing? As a parent, foster parent, and teacher, I have found endless opportunities to coach children to have empathy.
In this blog, you will find
Quick Adult Guide on Empathy, Definition of Sympathy vs. Empathy, What Does Empathy Look like vs. Sympathy? How to Pass On Empathy to the Kids in Your Life, How to Equip Children with the Language and Skills They Need to Show Empathy, Begin by Developing a Supportive Environment, Help Children Recognize Feelings, Allow and Encourage Kids to Take Care of Small Problems, The Take Away, Audio: Kids Learning Empathy
Quick Adult guide on Empathy
It helps to begin by looking at the difference between sympathy and empathy since sympathy can actually cause the opposite reaction of our intent to connect with and help others.
Excerpt from orwfoundation.org for veterans dealing with trauma.
Have you ever tried to open up to a friend or family member about something terrible going on in your life? Did they respond to the end of your story with:
"Well, that sucks."
"I'm really sorry that happened to you."
"But the good news is that . . ."
"At least [insert worse thing] didn't happen."
How did that make you feel? Did you feel better, or did it make you feel annoyed, or even worse? That person was attempting to show they cared about your problem, so why wasn't it helpful?
While all of those statements imply a sense of sympathy, they lack empathy.
Definition of Empathy vs. Sympathy Excerpt from Psychology Today
Empathy and sympathy are similar, yet they differ in how they can make one suffering feel.
Empathy is a sense that you can understand and share the feelings of another. Try to be sensitive to the needs, desires, and emotions of the person who is hurting. Even just being there silently for him or her can often be helpful."
Sympathy is a feeling of pity or sorrow for someone else's misfortune. If you give sympathy by feeling pity, it may generate feelings of alienation in others. Of course, try to be as authentic as possible in responding to others.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/click-here-happiness/202007/sympathy-vs-empathy
What Does Empathy Look like vs. Sympathy?
Sympathy is our relief in not having someone's problem. Empathy is understanding how someone feels and joining them in their emotion.
Three beautiful memories that display empathy come to my mind.
In my husband's small isolated Yup'ik village, when a person passes away, everyone goes to their house to be with the family when they find out about the death. Depending on how well you know the person, you could sit quietly for a half hour, or you could stay all day and go back the next day to visit, drink coffee or tea and visit with the people there, just so the family doesn't have to be alone in their grief. You don't have to say anything if you don't know what to say; you can sit and listen to others talk. It's just important to be there.
Sympathy would be putting a card in the mail or saying, "I heard about your dad. I'm sorry." Sympathy can be appropriate if you do not know someone well.
My neighbor's baby passed away recently, and when I opened my curtains one dark day in Alaska, their front yard was filled with candles in the snow, and another neighbor stood alone praying in their yard. My eyes welled with tears at seeing that lone neighbor's empathy.
Sympathy would be feeling horrible for the mom and being so glad that something like that never happened to your family. Not knowing what to say or do, some neighbors might avoid the family or give them a sad half smile if they happen upon them. Neighbors who don't know the family but want to show sympathy might leave them a card saying they are sorry for their loss.
I know these are extreme examples since those are the things we remember most. In these instances, I took my children with us as the other parents in the village did to participate in the community-binding displays of empathy. In the city, my children helped me make and carry over a meal for the neighbors who had lost their baby. A simple discussion with your kids before, during, and after these events help everyone process the situation.
On a less somber note, I have seen an empathetic child choose to stay in from recess when their friend was upset because they forgot their winter gear and couldn't go outside with the class.
I've heard sympathetic children say, "Remember to bring your snow pants tomorrow. You could ask your mom to remind you or put a note on the door."
Another time, an empathetic child got off the three-person sled so that another girl wouldn't be left by herself at the top of the sledding hill at recess.
I've seen sympathy on the sledding hill too. "Sorry, you don't fit. You can use the sled next."
How to Pass On Empathy to the Kids in Your Life
Notice and talk about needs and opportunities to show empathy around you in simple terms. If children ask difficult questions, answer simply with a brief answer. It is usually all they want. If they ask for more details, offer as much as is appropriate, but when you use fewer words, it is usually less confusing and easier for kids to understand.
Kids are very visual and practical. They like to know that people are being fair. So allow them to see and respond to others in need with coaching. Listen with an open expression without overreacting to their concerns.
Equip Children with the Language and Skills They Need to Show Empathy
How to Equip Children with the Language and Skills They Need to Show Empathy
Begin by Developing a Supportive Environment
Celebrating each other empowers kids to have a voice. Then, when they learn to advocate for themselves, they can learn to take responsibility for their actions and become comfortable advocating for others.
Help Children Recognize Feelings
The primary emotions elementary students verbalize are happy, sad, and mad. Help children identify what they are feeling. When you notice they look proud, embarrassed, frustrated, etc. Verbalize it for them so they understand their feelings, "You look frustrated. Let's take a break."
When you read books with kids, discuss how the characters look like they feel. For example, ask children, "What might they feel in this picture? How would you feel if that happened to you?"
Allow and Encourage Kids to Take Care of Small Problems
When kids learn to identify their feelings and how to act when they are wronged, it sets the stage for understanding and showing empathy to someone else.
If a child tells on another kid, ask the child who is tattling if they asked the other child to stop. If not, tell them to say to the offender that they don't like what they are doing or ask them to stop if it bothers them. Sometimes I explain that it is good to play somewhere else if they don't like something someone else is doing that is not hurting them. For example, if a sibling sings while playing and they think it is annoying, they could play in another room.
When children are too shy to ask another child to stop something, I go with them and give them the words to say.
I have coached, "Daniel, Jena needs to talk to you."
"Jenna, tell him what has been bothering you," wait for a reply.
If an eager child interrupts to explain or defend themself, ask them to please wait their turn.
Encourage the child to share how it makes them feel. "How does that make you feel, Jena?" Sad, mad, frustrated, angry, etc.
Let the other child explain their side and then ask if they like to feel (insert the emotion the offended child named). Wait for a response.
Then do the same scenario again if the child telling did something offensive first.
Ask if anyone needs to say sorry afterward and then prompt them to solve the problem themselves if it is a little problem where no one was physically hurt or could be in danger.
Explain that an adult isn't always around and that it is important to learn to handle little problems where no one is getting hurt.
I once had a visiting speaker at our school who what surprised when she saw my first-grade class having recess in the gym. "The kids play so well together. They seem to handle their own problems," she observed.
I explained that we talk about expectations before we go anywhere. If there was an issue last time, we discussed it before our next event. As a teacher, I told students, for example, that I noticed that it took a long time for everyone to line up the last time when recess was over, so we were going to practice lining up before we played. As a mom, I explained to my kids in the pool that if they don't get out now, you won't get to go to the pool with us next time. Then I followed through, and that child had to stay home the next time.
As a family, we talk about expectations for our family before issues arise. This can be done by observing aloud you, like their sharing or explaining, "We don't hit each other in our family when we get frustrated. Instead, we use our words and speak respectfully to each other.
I have seen this work in different settings when the adults agree to allow kids to work out their problems. When a kid comes to an adult angry or frustrated, adults ask questions such as,
Did you tell her you didn't like it?
Did you ask him to stop?
An adult interjects to stop a situation when a child is hurt or could get hurt.
She is crying because you hurt her feelings.
Does anyone need to say sorry for anything?
The Take Away
Children learn empathy in the following ways in no specific order.
Conversations - Talk with the children in your life about the person you just saw in the wheelchair. How could we help the next time we see an elderly woman or a fussy toddler in front of us in line? Bring their attention to other people’s needs.
Exposure - to people who are hurting - talk about real needs and issues your child sees in a movie or on the news. Take your children to a nursing home or to a friend’s house where they can help meet practical needs, such as playing with younger kids while the moms get something done or they help see the table.
Modeling - Allow your kids to see others show empathy - include your kids in helping kids in their school or neighborhood.
Coaching - An adult or older child can help a child show empathy by being with the child and encouraging them.
While teaching empathy to kids is initially daunting, I have seen it happen naturally with a bit of guidance and exposure in my classroom and at home. Wherever there are children, there are opportunities to build empathy.
As a mom, our older children were open to the idea of being a foster family, but they were also hesitant. Below I have attached a couple of stories from my recent audiobook that show how our children developed empathy after conversations, exposure, modeling, and coaching in our home.
Audio Below: Kids Learning Empathy
An excerpt from Breathing through Foster Care in the Chapter: How Will Fostering Affect My Children at Home?
Animals can can be a good way to soften a teen heart.