Do You Feel like You Belong?
“In love he chose us before he laid the foundation of the universe! Because of his love, he ordained us, so that we would be seen as holy in his eyes with an unstained innocence. For it was always in his perfect plan to adopt us as his delightful children, through our union with Jesus, the Anointed One, so that his tremendous love that cascades over us would glorify his grace — for the same love he has for the Beloved, Jesus, he has for us. And this unfolding plan brings him great pleasure!” Ephesians 1:4-6 TPT
Do You Feel like You Belong?
Many people do not feel like they belong. But do you know connecting with others can build your identity and feeling of belonging?
How can connecting with others build our identity and sense of belonging?
Finding out how we are similar to others in our family or social group builds our confidence to be ourselves and express our differences.
Do you feel like you belong? At work. At church. At school. With friends. At home?
Adults often feel they don't belong, but we hope children can live in the innocence of feeling completely loved. Not because of what they do but because they do belong to a family, a classroom, a friendship, or God.
When and where do the constraints of striving become so heavy? For me, this is a natural time for reflection after a traumatic brain injury that stripped me of passions since childhood: teaching and reading. It wasn't until recently that I realized how tightly my identity tangled into everything I enjoyed doing.
This clarity came when half of the roles in my life were stripped away. I thought my roles were who I was: a teacher, foster mom, avid reader and learner, and author. It has been almost two years since my accident, and I am slowly recovering and able to read and write again. However, sensitivity to sound and some language processing issues related to noise and other input make teaching in a classroom out of reach for now.
What about you? If you weren’t a ________[insert job title]? What if you took away all of the labels that represent the roles of what you do in life? Hopefully, life's circumstances will not take roles from your life unwillingly, but it is then that we are left standing in the snow in winter without all the beautiful leaves of our own making that we realize, in our dormant stage, that it wasn't us. We could not do all we did alone; our accomplishments don't give us our worth.
After having 42 foster children, they were all very different. Some are shy, funny, mouthy, or respectful. Yes. They were all as unique as God intended, yet my heart is heavy as I think about one way they were alike. No matter how sweet or big their attitudes were, they all acted as if they did not belong. Even the ones that returned to spend time with our family after they moved on. Between warm moments of laughter, conversation, or games, their sense of belonging seemed to waver under the surface. It can be seen in the shadow of a look or when they hang back or look away at times. I want to let them know they are loved, welcome, and included.
We all want to know where we fit in. When children don't know their parents, they want to find them. It is a search for their identity. Who am I? Where do I belong? As foster parents, we can help build confidence in foster kids' personal belonging and identity by allowing kids to connect with their families through conversation and interactions when possible. Acknowledging that a child has their mom's smile or that they have their dad's nose can help connect them to their identity. Encourage kids to talk about their parents. I have found a healthy biological aunt or grandparent to be very valuable in building a child's confidence and connection to positive things in their family that they have often never heard.
I recently got together with my mom and her sisters, and they shared stories about family members I had never met. So when I noticed that I have the shape of my grandma's face and found out we have the same favorite drink, it made me feel close, connecting me with a fondness for the grandma I didn't get the chance to know.
Identity is a hundred little ways of connecting with those you love: food, preferences, mannerisms, and tendencies that connect you to others. When I have asked foster kids which meal I make is their favorite, they often say, “I don’t know.” When I ask which meal or meals their mom made are their favorite, they have an answer! Ask them. Make these favorites part of your meal rotation. This is how a one-pot meal of hamburger, corn, and rice became a part of our family meals. Our foster kids got excited when we had their family favorites at our house. I taught a younger sibling how to make it, so they were eager to help make dinner which was a win-win for everyone.
Find out what your children enjoy. Being intentional about playing basketball, because that is what everyone did where they came from, is a way of acknowledging and supporting their interests and identity.
As we discover the pieces and parts that make up our identity, we can allow ourselves to belong when we are allowed to be ourselves. Our differences and similarities allow us to fit together and feel a sense of belonging.
It creates an ache when you love a child who cannot seem to accept that they are loved. Nevertheless, the fact that we do not feel loved does not cancel anyone's love for us or make us less loveable or less a part of a family. I can't tell you how often I have told a kid that just being with them makes me happy because it is true. As adults, we must discover and believe in our innate value so the children we love so dearly in our lives will be able to do the same.
In Ephesians 1:4-6 TPT, God says he chose us before he made the universe. Because of his great love for us, he planned to adopt us because he delights in us. We make him happy. His love cascades over us, and this unfolding plan brings him great pleasure!
It doesn't say we did anything! He loves us because he chose us. Just like we love a baby when they are born, because they exist and they are ours.
When we question our identity or sense of belonging, we can discover who God says we are and connect with his truth. Connecting with others builds our identity and our realization that we do belong. Not because of what we do but because of who we are, God's unique creation. We can make a difference on this earth like no one else because no one has our combination of gifts, talents, and relationships. As we connect with others, our sense of personal belonging grows. All the different personalities and cultures around us make the world explode in the splendor of God's creativity! Together we all belong.
In challenging times, when you have one of your roles stripped away and feel you are losing part of your identity, it is more important than ever to remember what God says about you. You belong. I belong. This truth is easier to believe when we are connecting with others.
